Conventional Wisdom Doesn’t Work in Our Relationships

If You Keep Doing the Same Thing, You Should Expect the Same Result.

Conventional Wisdom Doesn’t Work in Our Relationships

Posts Tagged 'my marriage is falling apart'

Conventional Wisdom Doesn’t Work in Our Relationships

“Conventional wisdom is no wisdom at all. Conventional wisdom is taking someone else’s word for the way things are.” Richard Marcinko

 

When our marriage or most intimate relationship seems like it’s falling apart, we fall back on conventional wisdom to help guide us.

Just spend more time together…

Ride it out; it will pass…

You have to begin touching, hugging, kissing each other again…

Go to couples counseling…

Schedule a date night…

Plan a romantic getaway together…

Give him a dose of his own medicine…

Ignore it and maybe the problem will disappear…

But if any of that ...continue reading...

Posted in: Fixing the Disconnect in My Marriage | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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Stop Engaging in “The Crazy.”

“When you see crazy coming, cross the street.” Iyanla Vanzant

 

Some weeks there are consistent themes across my clients, similarities in the struggles or challenges they’re facing, making it very clear what I need to write about. This was one of those weeks.

Here’s just one example:

Lynn is in the process of unwinding an abusive and controlling marriage that has taken its toll on her self-esteem, her value and worth and also on the relationship she has with her family and her children. She has expressed to her husband that she does not want him sleeping in ...continue reading...

Posted in: Seeking Clarity in My Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go? | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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90% of You Will Not Attempt to Solve the Problem and More than 50% of You will Divorce.

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy. I am telling you it is going to be worth it.” Art Williams

 

Over the years I have spoken with thousands of women who are struggling in their marriages and here’s what I’ve found: 90% of these women will not ever make a genuine attempt to fix the problems in their marriages. Sure, they might pick up a book or vent to their girlfriends about their husbands, but that’s not making a conscious, concerted effort to changing how you show up inside that relationship to see if the marriage ...continue reading...

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You Have 3 Options When Your Marriage is Falling Apart

“Holding an unhealthy relationship close is not love.” Gennon Doyle Melton

You say you love him, but he hurts you, belittles you, controls you…

He brings out the worst in you, causing you to react in unhealthy ways where you don’t even recognize who you’ve become, but “damnit I can’t support myself on my own…”

You say you can’t breathe, but you cannot let him go either.

This is the conundrum you may be facing right now in some way shape or form: You know the relationship as it is isn’t working. You know you’re not happy. You think ...continue reading...

Posted in: Seeking Clarity in My Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go? | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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10 Quotes for Understanding Why Some Marriages Struggle

 

...continue reading...

Posted in: Inspiration for Myself & My Relationships | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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The Disconnected Marriage

“The key problem I encounter working with wounded, depressed, and unhappy people is a lack of connection…starting from a disconnection from themselves and then with others.” David W. Earle

 

After 23 years together, Pamela finally reached out for help.

In her application to me she shared, He is not there for me emotionally. We don’t hug, we don’t kiss, we don’t touch.  I feel empty and unwanted. I’m not sure how much longer I can take it. I don’t know how to leave and I don’t know how to stay.

But Pamela’s words could be any of the hundreds ...continue reading...

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Love Him, but Not in Love with Him

“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.” George R. R. Martin

Rachel has love for her husband, but she’s no longer in love with him.

Rachel and her husband have been married for ten years and their relationship feels more like distant roommates than connected lovers who deeply care for one another. She shares with me that he’s a great guy, but that he is emotionally unavailable.

They’ve tried counseling. He refused to go back after the counselor pointed out that he is emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive.

They tried date nights. It felt like work.

...continue reading...
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How Life Coaches are Like Personal Trainers.

“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.” John Baptiste Molière

 

There’s a very clear reason why people hire personal trainers.

It’s not because they need someone to show them how to hop on a treadmill or how to lift a weight. They could do that on their own.

People invest in a personal trainer primarily for the accountability a trainer provides, as well as how a trainer pushes them beyond where they might go if they were working on their own.

I had a woman reach ...continue reading...

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Three Reasons Why Asking Your Spouse to Go to Marriage Counseling with You Rarely Works

“Nothing dies harder than a bad idea.” Julia Cameron

 

Stacey has been struggling in her marriage for years, specifically the last two years. She feels lonely and empty. She feels unseen and unappreciated.

So, she did what most of us might do; she asked her husband if he’d be willing to go to marriage counseling with her.

Here’s why that rarely works:

When you ask your spouse to go to marriage counseling with you, what he hears you saying is, “There’s something wrong with you and we need someone to fix it.” No one wants to be fixed. ...continue reading...

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The Loveless Marriage

“There is one thing worse than an absolutely loveless marriage: a marriage in which there is love but on one side only.” Oscar Wilde

 

Loveless Marriage.

Seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?

I can tell you from firsthand coaching experience, if you feel this describes your life or situation, you’re in good company. It’s what you’re willing to do about it that will set you apart.

Theresa has been married for 30 years. She married when she was young and seemingly invincible, thinking she knew what her life was supposed to look like. Her dream included being married ...continue reading...

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  1. This story is my life exactly. My husband is a truck driver and we’ve been married 24 years and have 3 sons; 2 in college and 1 in middle school.

    I felt as Theresa did, until one day after a heated argument when our youngest was small; I told my husband I was unhappy because I allowed him to treat me the way he did.

    Mind you being on the road all week when he came home, I was ready to have fun and do adult things and he was always too tired. But when he wanted to do something, it was #1 priority. It got to the point where I was done waiting around for him and began either doing things where I cud take the boys with or leaving them with him. This of course became a problem. He complained about me no longer being nurturing and caring, I didn’t call or text him enuf. I was no longer running to the door excited to see him in his eyes. He has been battling depression since the death of him mom 2 weeks before our wedding, then his dad and only sister passed a few years later. Because of his depression he became unhealthy and morbidly obese which put a big strain on our sex life. He just recently started going through grief counselling. Now all along I had suggested he was depressed and he looked at it as a personal attack and looked at it as I was saying things to hurt him. In fact he tended to look at many things that way. I realize he was in denial but to have someone you love not take the time to understand and listen to your feelings was very heartbreaking for me. I was stuck my self esteem was low and I began realizing how negative and toxic his mindset was. I realized I had lost sight of who I was. So I began working outside the home, doing things that I was interested in. This didn’t go over well either.

    Now he tells me he is unhappy, he wants his old wife back, I didn’t ask him if I could change, the list goes on and on.

    Intimately we no longer connect well. Even though he became twice my size he would expect me to dress sexy for him and initiate sex, and I was so turned off at the fact that he wasn’t trying to look sexy or attractive for me. He didn’t even notice that during missionary, I was unable to breath under him and this was/is the only position he wants to do because either he can’t get comfortable in any other one or it takes me too long, in his opinion; to get comfortable when I am on top and he loses interest. One time I really couldn’t breathe and when he got up I began gasping for air, which I would usually hide; but I really couldn’t that time. But instead of showing concern for me; he got mad at me.

    There are more issues that haven’t been resolved, because he refuses to hear/understand my feelings; and views me trying to talk about them as me bringing up something bad he did for the purpose of hurting him. He says that my need to be understood will be the end of our marriage.

    I know I am by no means a perfect wife, and I’m sure he has stories of where I have hurt him, been mean, etc. I just don’t know how to let go of so many years of pain, disrespect, resentment and unresolved issues.

    I just resonated so much with the Theresa story that it felt really good to know I wasn’t alone.

    Thank you for listening.

    by Denise on July 22nd, 2017 at 4:00 pm
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