“The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them that we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do.” Nan Fairbrother
“I can sit next to him, but I cannot lean on him or put my head on his shoulder. I can hold his hand, but he will drop within about five minutes. We haven’t had sex for a year and he hasn’t kissed me in months. Every time I try to initiate some physical closeness, he has a reason why now is not ...continue reading...
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” Epicurus
The average American spends 2160 days in school, and based upon the average life span, that’s 12% of all the days of our lives spent in school. During that time, we learn about things such as math, science, reading, writing, languages, etc. These are all important topics to help us function in the world and become productive adults.
But at the end of our lives, when we’re lying there close to taking our last breath and reflecting ...continue reading...
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Khalil Gibran
My clients, Jenna and Steve, have been together for 12 years, a second marriage for them both. She’s very clear that she wants more connection, more intimacy and even more fun in their relationship. She wants to feel like a priority, she wants more communication and she wants more time together. And she’s told him again and again in a variety of ways what she wants.
So why hasn’t he done it?
It’s not like it’s difficult.
It’s not like she hasn’t been clear.
He should want that too, ...continue reading...
“Intimacy transcends the physical. It is a feeling of closeness that isn’t about proximity, but of belonging.” Steve Maraboli
Men and women clearly have different strengths.
Women are naturally better at communicating than men. There have been a wide number of studies showing that women possess a larger vocabulary, process information and speak more quickly, literally using more words every day than men do.
And likewise, there are a number of things that men are naturally better at than women, such as problem solving, being direct and to-the-point, and even excelling at some mental tasks.
Science has told ...continue reading...
“Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love missed the best thing that life has to give.” Bertrand Russell
Nina and I began our coaching session together with her sharing how she’s not feeling as optimistic as she had been:
We’ve fallen back into our old patterns again.
We’re still missing passion, connection and intimacy. It’s just not there.
I know I am capable of having that kind of a relationship (…because I’ve felt it before with someone else). Maybe my husband and I just can’t be that way together.
“Each day learn something new, and just as important, re-learn something old.” Robert Breault
One of the ways I think our marriages fall off the rails is when we stop being curious about one another.
We assume we know everything there is to know about our partners, but that’s not true.
Even after being together for many years, we’re not the same people we were years – or decades – ago. We’re changing and so are our spouses. What we want or prefer now is likely very different than what we wanted and liked ten or twenty years ...continue reading...
“Throughout our lives we long to love ourselves more deeply and to feel connected with others. Instead, we often contract, fear intimacy, and suffer a bewildering sense of separation. We crave love, and yet we are lonely.” Sharon Salzberg
A beautiful soul named Lori reached out to me this week and the email started like this, “I just opened the door for a conversation with my husband…through text of all things because he and I have never been much to communicate….I asked him if he was happy. I asked him if he thought our marriage was salvageable…”
“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” Brené Brown
I speak with women in difficult marriages and painful relationships every day. And there is one consistent theme at the bottom of what seems like literally every relationship that’s falling apart.
This thing that’s missing is something that the women long for, but don’t know how to get.
In many occasions, it’s something they’ve never had, but somehow know it’s possible.
They have gotten to a stage in their ...continue reading...
“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they’re big, flashing signs that something needs to change.” Gretchen Rubin Last Saturday, my client Leslie found herself feeling incredibly sad about a past relationship with a man she loved very much. Historically when she would feel that way, she would judge those emotions of sadness and push them aside:
“Why am I still grieving this?”
“I should be past this by now.”
This time, however, she gave herself permission to stay with the sadness and just allow it be ...continue reading...
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” Gloria Steinam
For as long as I can recall in my entire professional adult life, I always had a plan and something that I was striving toward. When I was a Marketing Manager, I quickly set my sights on being a Senior Marketing Manager. I went part-time to get my MBA and was promoted to Director of Marketing by the age of 27. I then wanted to be a VP and then ultimately a Chief Marketing Officer by the time I was 40.
I worked hard, ...continue reading...