The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…

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The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…

Posts Tagged 'separation'

The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…

“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” RD Laing, MD

Yesterday I had a VIP Day with a brave and openhearted woman struggling to understand whether or not she should release her 39-year marriage and to make peace with her decision.

Having been a therapist, she picked up many of the coaching tools I shared with her and concepts quickly. But she also taught me something yesterday as well: There is an important distinction between loving someone and using someone:

When we use our partners to avoid pain,

...continue reading...
Posted in: Seeking Clarity in My Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go? | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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What Will Happen If I Let It Go?

“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different.” Anonymous

 

Our expectations of other people and our attachments to how we think the circumstances of our lives should be get us in an awful lot of trouble.

We expect that our husbands will notice when we’re overwhelmed and that he’ll step in and do something about it so that we feel some relief…

We expect that our spouses will be appreciative for all of our hard work…

We expect that the people around us will be happy and positive and grateful.

And we attach to those ...continue reading...

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The Danger of Our Expectations. A Very Personal Story.

“Expectations will steal the gifts that are sitting right there in front of you.” Jada Pinkett Smith

 

This deeply personal story could help every relationship you have…

I am witnessing my mother as she moves through the disease of Alzheimer’s. She struggles to complete sentences and yet she’s still able to get her point across. She can’t follow a storyline on a TV show or in a book, but she’s very much present in the moment and enjoying herself being entertained. She often repeats herself, but nothing ever goes unsaid.

My mother is at a place now where ...continue reading...

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The Mature Marriage: Five Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” Haruki Murakami

Even though divorce rates for younger couples is on the decline, the rate of divorces in mature marriages is increasing. As a matter of fact, the divorce rate has nearly doubled for couples age 50 and over throughout the past ...continue reading...

Posted in: Seeking Clarity in My Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go? | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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What if No One has to be Wrong?

“An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful.” C.S. Lewis

 

Aubrey had received a phone call from her husband John, and he was fuming. She had communicated something to his mother that he felt wasn’t appropriate and that action really upset him. When she picked up the phone, she was feeling verbally attacked by John:

How could you do that?

What were you thinking?

Do you have any idea of how that made me feel?

Whereas only a few weeks ago, this would have turned into an enormous argument that would have created even more ...continue reading...

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Judgement Doesn’t Help

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Mother Theresa

 

Women who have lied find me…

Women who have cheated find me…

Women who have engaged with married men find me…

Women who have done things they’re not proud of find me…

And even men who are imperfect themselves occasionally find me.

They find me because the words I use let them know they’re safe with me.

They won’t be judged.

Or ridiculed….

Or made to feel worse than they already do…

I lost my ability to judge others because I know what it’s like ...continue reading...

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Challenging the Inevitable Truth

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” Oscar Wilde

 

Virtually everyone believes their thoughts as Truth (with a capital T). No one walks around thinking, “I think I’ll believe that lie.” And yet, all of our beliefs are simply perspectives – not right or wrong, good or bad – just one person’s perspective.

But some of the beliefs we carry as if they are inevitable truths that will for sure come to fruition or that they are irrefutable facts. They’re often not. Outside of needing oxygen and water to live, there are very few beliefs we carry ...continue reading...

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Support Groups Seem Like a Perfectly Logical Idea…

“Never look back unless you’re planning to go that way.” Henry David Thoreau

 

When people are struggling in their marriages, they often feel confused about what to do and scared of making the wrong decision, so understandably they begin seeking answers.

They might be up late at night – sometimes after too many glasses of wine – scrolling through Facebook and Googling things like:

My marriage is in trouble My marriage is over How do I fix my marriage? Will my spouse ever change? Should I stay or should I go?

In all that searching, they don’t have ...continue reading...

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The Tornado of the Type A Woman

“It can’t be a great marriage without being a great partnership.” Helen Mirren

 

In coaching, recognizing yourself in others is something called, ‘You spot it, you got it.’ The idea is that you wouldn’t truly be able to see and understand a client’s experience as deeply as you do unless you have an element of that in yourself as well.

And boy do I understand this one…

The Type A personality is defined as someone who is highly organized, ambitious, impatient, and may be competitive and/or aggressive in their approach to getting things done.

Sometimes, as women we ...continue reading...

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The Guardian of His Solitude

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

My client’s husband values freedom more than anything; freedom to express himself, freedom to live his life on his terms, even the freedom to be able to leave at any moment. Feeling the weight of shackles of any kind is like his own ...continue reading...

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