“Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept, what your mind already knows.” Unknown
When we’re talking about surviving infidelity it’s typically in the context of: Can the betrayed relationship survive? But whether or not you choose to remain in the relationship after one or both of you have cheated, you need to survive regardless.
If you decide that you want to remain in the relationship and attempt to rebuilt trust again, obviously you will be working through the hurt and betrayal, attempting to trust again and eventually being able to forgive.
But even if you decide to ...continue reading...
“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” Unknown Author
Most of the time when I speak to men and women about trust in their marriages, we’re talking about overcoming either lies or infidelity. Because I primarily work with women, the question they’re often asking is, “Can I trust him?” And while that kind of trust is important to a healthy and committed marriage, there’s another kind of trust that my clients and I also address and that is being able to trust your spouse emotionally.
The questions around emotional trust ask, “Can I ...continue reading...
Will my husband ever change?
“Resistance to change manifests itself in many ways, from foot-dragging and inertia to petty sabotage to outright rebellions.” Rosabeth Moss Kanter
Sometimes we expect our partners to know what it is we need. It’s so obvious to us, we can’t imagine how he couldn’t know. But the truth is we cannot carry resentments about our needs not being met if we haven’t expressed to our partners what it is we need. We know they can’t read our minds.
But what about when you have expressed what you need and still nothing has changed?
...continue reading...“This is how dishonesty and betrayal started, not in big lies but in small secrets.” Amy Tan
One of my clients had recently learned of her husband engaging in emotional infidelity with a woman he worked alongside each day. She had been able to move past it by telling herself: It was only emotional; at least they never had sex.
One day later, I had a different client whose husband had cheated on her but it was purely physical. There was no emotional connection between them. She had made peace with it because it was only sex, void of ...continue reading...
“Knowing when to walk away, is wisdom. Being able to, is courage. Walking away with grace, and your head held high is dignity.” Ritu Ghatourey
By the time people find their way to my work, they’ve typically been struggling in their marriages for years, sometimes decades. But how do you know when your marriage is over?
There are probably gazillions of articles written that will give you the three most common attributes in a relationship that are tell-tale signs that your marriage is over (or should be over, in the writer’s opinion).
I don’t think that’s helpful at ...continue reading...
“If someone is arguing with you, you are saying something arguable.” Julia B. Colwell, PhD
One of the things I help my private clients do is identify the patterns of engagement with their spouses, specifically how they argue or disagree with one another. It usually looks something like this:
She expresses something that hurt her, such as “You don’t listen to or understand me.”
He takes that as a personal attack and now feels the need to defend himself.
She tries to get him to see her perspective.
His defending becomes louder and more forceful.
She shuts down ...continue reading...
“The urge to blame is based…on the fear of being blamed.” Douglas Stone
In our marriages, it seems the conversation we avoid the most are the very ones we most need to be having with our partners. There’s a lot going either unsaid between or unheard.
Maybe we tried having the conversation previously and it didn’t go well.
Maybe we’re afraid saying what needs to be said will only worsen the relationship.
Maybe we’ve given up hope that anything will ever change.
We avoid having difficult conversations with our partners because almost no one enjoys confrontation, and we ...continue reading...
“People can’t change the truth, but the truth can change people.” Drake
My client, who I’ll refer to as Naomi shared something important with me recently: She said she realized how she was using her children as a means of avoiding closeness with her husband.
When they would all be walking together, the kids were in the middle between them.
When they would hand out together in the kitchen around the island, she noticed how she always seemed to be on the opposite side of the island closest to her children.
Even in bed, the kids often fell ...continue reading...
“Most of us are imprisoned by something. We’re living in darkness until something flips on the switch.” Wynonna Judd
I love the idea of having someone to walk beside in this life.
I love that we get to be a witness to one another’s lives.
And I love that we get to share the joys and sorrows of life with another human being.
But the institution of marriage is sort of a peculiar thing to me…
Marriage was originally created as an alliance between two families, where the property rights, money, and bloodlines could be secured within the ...continue reading...
“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” Carl Gustav Jung
My new client, who I’ll refer to as Paula, recently found out that her husband has been having an affair with another woman for at least ten years. As you can imagine, she’s devastated.
Ten years together isn’t a fling or a simple indiscretion; it’s a relationship.
Paula is wondering why she ignored the signs.
She’s wondering where exactly the marriage broke in order for her 30-year marriage to be vulnerable to an affair.
She’s wondering how she’ll ever be able to trust again.
She vacillates between blaming herself ...continue reading...
