“Never look back unless you’re planning to go that way.” Henry David Thoreau
When people are struggling in their marriages, they often feel confused about what to do and scared of making the wrong decision, so understandably they begin seeking answers.
They might be up late at night – sometimes after too many glasses of wine – scrolling through Facebook and Googling things like:
My marriage is in trouble My marriage is over How do I fix my marriage? Will my spouse ever change? Should I stay or should I go?In all that searching, they don’t have ...continue reading...
“If you don’t receive love from the ones that are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.” Robert Goolrick
“I never intended for this to happen.”
“I never saw this coming.”
“I didn’t go looking for an affair.”
“We were just talking as friends.”
“It just happened.”
Sure there are some people that actively go looking for an affair – the next distraction, the next victim, spending hours on sites like Ashley-Madison. But those aren’t typically the people that find their way to me.
The people in my tribe find themselves in an affair ...continue reading...
“Discomfort is a wise teacher.” Carolyn Myss
My client, who I’ll refer to here as Stella, had been married for 18 years when she found out that her husband had been involved in an online emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend for at least three years.
Sounds like a betrayal, right?
Yes, it was. But he wasn’t the only one doing some betraying…
Stella couldn’t remember the last time she felt good about her marriage.
They argued a lot and nothing ever seemed to get resolved.
Every time she tried to talk to her husband about the problems in ...continue reading...
“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” Cheryl Hughes
My client, Susan, was cheating on her husband of 27 years. The affair had been going on for two years and even though she knew it was wrong and destructive and disrespectful to her husband, she wouldn’t turn away from it. It provided her the simple, but dangerous distraction from the emptiness that existed within her marriage. Her marriage wasn’t bad, it was just empty: no connection, no ...continue reading...
“When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don’t try to take it away. Grief and pain…are not things we should try to snatch from each other. They’re sacred.” Glennon Doyle Melton
It was as close to love at first sight as you could probably get. He was a bit of a bad boy, but she couldn’t resist. The attraction between them was palpable 20 years ago and she still remembers that day they met.
Four years later, they married and had a son within a year. As his career began to take off, they ...continue reading...
“Cancer is that awful word we all fear when we go to the doctor…, but in that brief dark moment we hear it the world we live in and the people we share it with begin to illuminate things we did not even pay attention to.” BD Phillips
I wrote an article for an online publication called, My Marriage, My Affair and The Hard Lessons Learned. The article has gotten picked-up on other web sites, has provoked a lot of conversation and I even got some nasty insults sent to me as a result.
Clearly, it talks about ...continue reading...
If you husband left, or threatened to leave, this post was written especially for you.
“When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” Haruki Murakami
Kaye’s husband, James, had just made a pot of coffee and was standing over the breakfast bar drinking it, looking as though he was a million miles away. He was in his business casual attire that Friday morning, ready to head out to the office. Kaye comes into the kitchen, pours herself a cup and as she’s adding ...continue reading...
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Jalaluddin Rumi
The moment when you find out your spouse has cheated on you…
Words fail to describe the gravity of how it feels.
It hits you like a ton of bricks…
You’re in shock…
You can’t breathe…
A million unanswered questions spin around and around in your mind…
Then slowly, as time passes, you begin to walk out of the shock and fog and get to a place where you want to heal the hurt. That’s the time when you’re ready to look at the cracks in ...continue reading...
“No woman can love a cheater and not pay the price for it.” Rose Wynters
It didn’t happen just once. It wasn’t a lapse in judgement or a one-night stand.
It wasn’t just one woman. There were many throughout their 24 years together.
It wasn’t just one lie. It was lies, upon lies, upon lies.
He would have an affair. She would find out about it and be heartbroken.
He would break it off, apologize and promise it would never happen again. She would forgive him, hope for the best and look the other way.
Rinse. Repeat.
Hi Sharon,
Wow. You could’ve written that about my life. After 27 years of marriage I did take the scary leap and filed for divorce. I am leaving a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage with a Cerebral Narcissist. Young moms who are divorcing will ask me why I stayed so long. The abuse was very insidious and covert. And when I stopped “complying and supplying” him, he became someone I no longer recognized. Evil. Pure evil. Like your client, I had an affair. Something I would judge others harshly for in the past. I never in my wildest dreams would’ve thought I would be that person. And I must tell you, it was the worst and best thing I ever did. This affair opened my eyes to what was really happening in my marriage. I needed to feel validated and desired. For the most part my marriage was sexless. And I believed i thought I was undeserving and disgusting to him. That’s what he wanted me to believe. But you are right. The affair was a soul sucker. It went against everything I held dear. My values were broken. And the red flags of him using me for sex were clear. But I chose to dismiss them. He was married too, but wanted a side piece. Me. I tried justifying it all I could. I even told my husband about the affair. BIG MISTAKE. You don’t tell a Narcississt you cheated on him. He is determined to destroy my name and me, but I am not willing to give him anymore than he has taken from me!