“Each night ask yourself…when did you withhold love when you might have given it?” Marianne Williamson
My client, Marilyn, told me it had been at least 5 years since she and her husband had sex.
She said they fall asleep each night lying next to one another, but feeling a million miles away from him.
Through tears Marilyn shared that she hadn’t been held in at least that long.
That’s 1825 days without affection.
1825 days without physical closeness and connection.
1825 days without feeling seen and understood.
1825 days without emotional support, intimacy and vulnerability.
1825 days ...continue reading...
“I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.” Thomas Jefferson
Jillian has been working on her marriage – trying to make it better – for a long time. She and her husband have been together for 28 years. Things between them were fine at first, even nice, but they were so young and that was so long ago. Then they began having children and spent the next two decades just trying to keep their head above water while growing their family business, running the home, and raising three rowdy boys. But now ...continue reading...
“Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love missed the best thing that life has to give.” Bertrand Russell
Nina and I began our coaching session together with her sharing how she’s not feeling as optimistic as she had been:
We’ve fallen back into our old patterns again.
We’re still missing passion, connection and intimacy. It’s just not there.
I know I am capable of having that kind of a relationship (…because I’ve felt it before with someone else). Maybe my husband and I just can’t be that way together.
“Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning. Without it, your relationship goes cold.” William Paisley
The health of our relationships is directly tied to our ability to communicate. When we don’t do it well, it creates conflicts and disconnection in our relationships. And when we do it well, we create relationships that feel more open, honest and trusting.
But maybe you knew that already…
Here’s something I recently read that blew my mind:
When asked what they would like more of in their marriage that they don’t currently have – both men and women ...continue reading...
“The way I see it, our natural human instinct is to fight or flee that which we perceive to be dangerous. Although this mechanism evolved to protect us, it serves as the single greatest limiting process to our growth.” Charles F. Glassman
Some couples argue when they’re not getting along, allowing anger to take over. Some create more distance in relationships to avoid dealing with the problems that exist. There’s actually a biological reason why this is happening.
There is a part of each of our brains – scientists refer to it as the reptilian brain – where the ...continue reading...
“Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.” George Weinberg
My new clients, who I’ll refer to as Andrea and Gary had been together for 14 years, both on their second marriages. Theirs had not been an easy relationship, with many arguments and the complexities that come with attempting to blend families together. He could be a bit too volatile and she could be a bit too passive.
But with each angry outburst, she took a step away from him emotionally.
When he would reject her advances, she stepped further away from him.
Every time he would choose work ...continue reading...
“Love was a leap into the unknown, not a cautious dipping of the toe.” Martina Boone
The word courage has a Latin root, cor, which means heart. The heart has long been a metaphor used to depict inner strength. And I’m not sure if there’s anything that requires more courage and inner strength these days than to love.
To open your heart to someone, knowing that it might get broken.
To share your deepest needs and desires, not knowing if they will be met.
To love, even when that act of love may not be reciprocated, at least ...continue reading...
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it only requires one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” Byron Katie
When there’s an ongoing struggle in our relationship, here’s what most of us do:
We complain to our partner about all the things we want them to change so that we can feel happy again in the relationship. And then we wait for that change to come.
As they say….don’t hold your breath.
No one changes just because you want them to.
The only time we begin to embrace change is when we’re in crisis-mode. That’s ...continue reading...
“You can only see what you believe, nothing else is possible.” Byron Katie
This week I had the experience of being able to speak with the husband of one of my long-term clients. He was open, honest, introspective and sincere. His wife is a good woman. He is a good man. And they’re at the crossroads of trying to figure out if they can be what each other needs or if it’s time to call it quits.
As they say, there are two sides to every story. That’s because all of us – everyone – can only see and ...continue reading...
“If you keep examining your mind, you’ll come to see that thoughts of who you are and how it all is are creating the reality you’re experiencing.” Ram Dass
Most of the time when our marriages are struggling, we want to focus on the actions that are causing the struggle; specifically, our spouse’s actions…
But changing our own (or anyone else’s) behavior doesn’t just happen. There’s a whole series of thoughts and emotions occurring beneath the surface that no one is even talking about, but they’re what’s driving the very behaviors that we so desperately want changed in ...continue reading...
I agree completely. It took a bit of time to learn this lesson but, oh, how much better I feel after looking at situations, through the other person’s lens, without judgement taking over. Doing this – not letting judgement take over – is an eye-opening experience. I wish you all the best success in your new men’s group. They are lucky to have you choose the way.