“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different.” Anonymous
Our expectations of other people and our attachments to how we think the circumstances of our lives should be get us in an awful lot of trouble.
We expect that our husbands will notice when we’re overwhelmed and that he’ll step in and do something about it so that we feel some relief…
We expect that our spouses will be appreciative for all of our hard work…
We expect that the people around us will be happy and positive and grateful.
And we attach to those ...continue reading...
“An open mind, in questions that are not ultimate, is useful.” C.S. Lewis
Aubrey had received a phone call from her husband John, and he was fuming. She had communicated something to his mother that he felt wasn’t appropriate and that action really upset him. When she picked up the phone, she was feeling verbally attacked by John:
How could you do that?
What were you thinking?
Do you have any idea of how that made me feel?
Whereas only a few weeks ago, this would have turned into an enormous argument that would have created even more ...continue reading...
“Never look back unless you’re planning to go that way.” Henry David Thoreau
When people are struggling in their marriages, they often feel confused about what to do and scared of making the wrong decision, so understandably they begin seeking answers.
They might be up late at night – sometimes after too many glasses of wine – scrolling through Facebook and Googling things like:
My marriage is in trouble My marriage is over How do I fix my marriage? Will my spouse ever change? Should I stay or should I go?In all that searching, they don’t have ...continue reading...
“It can’t be a great marriage without being a great partnership.” Helen Mirren
In coaching, recognizing yourself in others is something called, ‘You spot it, you got it.’ The idea is that you wouldn’t truly be able to see and understand a client’s experience as deeply as you do unless you have an element of that in yourself as well.
And boy do I understand this one…
The Type A personality is defined as someone who is highly organized, ambitious, impatient, and may be competitive and/or aggressive in their approach to getting things done.
Sometimes, as women we ...continue reading...
“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust.” Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
My client’s husband values freedom more than anything; freedom to express himself, freedom to live his life on his terms, even the freedom to be able to leave at any moment. Feeling the weight of shackles of any kind is like his own ...continue reading...
“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt…” Sherrilyn Kenyon
“I don’t miss him because he never really shared that much of himself with me.”
With only a few words, my client expressed so much.
She has been separated from her husband for more than a year and still struggling with whether or not to leave the marriage for good or somehow re-engage with ...continue reading...
“You don’t protect your heart by acting like you don’t have one.” Unknown Author
Casey has been married for 15 years and over those years there had been plenty of hurtful words, disappointments and unmet expectations between them. So much so that she built a metaphorical wall around her heart to protect herself from being hurt again and again and again by the man that she truly did love.
She stopped making herself vulnerable to him, keeping him at an emotionally safe distance.
She stopped telling him about how she was feeling, about her dreams and desires…existing on ...continue reading...
“Truth is about perception and what we believe shapes what we perceive.” Alan B Jones
Imagine for a second you’re sitting in your living room and just on the other side of a sliding glass door is the ocean. You can see the different shades of blue in the water, you can see the movement of the ocean and the white peaks that form at the tops of the rolling waves. It’s beautiful and calming…and powerful. You could sit there all day admiring the view.
Now imagine that we replace that sliding glass door with a few panes of ...continue reading...
“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” Roald Dahl
Conventional wisdom tells us that if a relationship between two people is broken, then they both need to be actively working on it in order to make a difference.
I promise you…That’s not true.
Sure, it’s great when both people are actively engaged, but it’s not a requirement for creating change.
I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times with my clients.
They change as women…
That changes the way they engage with their husbands…
That changes how their husbands react and respond to them…
That creates ...continue reading...
