“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” Cheryl Hughes
My client, Susan, was cheating on her husband of 27 years. The affair had been going on for two years and even though she knew it was wrong and destructive and disrespectful to her husband, she wouldn’t turn away from it. It provided her the simple, but dangerous distraction from the emptiness that existed within her marriage. Her marriage wasn’t bad, it was just empty: no connection, no ...continue reading...
“Questions are only offensive to those who have something to hide.” Gary Hopkins
I see it all the time with my clients, particularly those that are struggling with trying to figure out if they should stay or go in their relationship and worry that their partner has something to hide.
They suspect he’s not being truthful, but they have no real proof of that.
They go looking for proof – snooping, cell phone records, drive-bys, even GPS trackers on their cars or phones. They go looking for proof because they don’t trust their guts that have been talking ...continue reading...
“When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don’t try to take it away. Grief and pain…are not things we should try to snatch from each other. They’re sacred.” Glennon Doyle Melton
It was as close to love at first sight as you could probably get. He was a bit of a bad boy, but she couldn’t resist. The attraction between them was palpable 20 years ago and she still remembers that day they met.
Four years later, they married and had a son within a year. As his career began to take off, they ...continue reading...
“You’re always in the process of becoming. You aren’t who you were and you aren’t who you are going to be.” Rob Bell
Maybe some of this sounds familiar:
“You’ve changed. Now you’re too…(fill-in the blank).”
“Why can’t you just go back to the woman you were when we got married?”
“I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
I’m not sure exactly where we got this idea that, as living beings, the day we get married, we’re supposed to be freeze-dried and placed into a little box…
Never to evolve or grow…
Never to challenge ourselves and become ...continue reading...
“Cancer is that awful word we all fear when we go to the doctor…, but in that brief dark moment we hear it the world we live in and the people we share it with begin to illuminate things we did not even pay attention to.” BD Phillips
I wrote an article for an online publication called, My Marriage, My Affair and The Hard Lessons Learned. The article has gotten picked-up on other web sites, has provoked a lot of conversation and I even got some nasty insults sent to me as a result.
Clearly, it talks about ...continue reading...
“When your life shatters, you’re being awakened.” Martha Beck
Ten years ago, I was submerged in a life and a career that I thought contained all the keys to happiness, but instead was a life I wanted to escape from.
I was married to a man that was nice and kind, but not passionate or connected. I was in a career that kept me striving, but never really thriving or knowing my value.My life was filled with all the things that looked great from the outside, but left me feeling empty and alone inside:
A four-bedroom home ...continue reading...“I don’t know why we all hang onto something we know we’d be better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. Some of us say we’d rather have something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is harder than not having it at all.” Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
Maggie reached out to me in tears, trying to overcome the loss of a relationship with a man that she deeply loved. She shared with me that she had never felt so connected to someone and now ...continue reading...
“She’s stuck between who she is,
who she wants to be, and
who she should be.” Unknown
Maggie has been married to her husband for 19 years. They have two teenage children, a son who is 17 years old and headed off to college soon and a daughter who is 15 years old and thriving in school and sports. Her relationship with her husband isn’t bad, it’s just empty…lonely. They live as roommates and communicate only about the kid’s logistics. At one point, she remembers thinking to herself that she may live the rest of her life ...continue reading...
“We are the ones who developed the construct for what is right and what is wrong – mostly in an effort to control others so that we could feel more comfortable, more secure, more right (and righteous).” Sharon Pope, What is Cheating Isn’t Wrong?
My client Heather has been married to her husband for more than twenty years and they’ve certainly hit some speed bumps along the way. When she was pregnant and on bed-rest, he had an emotional affair with another woman. When her mother passed away, Heather needed comfort and understanding; he didn’t even go ...continue reading...
“When people show you who they are, believe them…” Maya Angelou
My client, Caren, and I were talking last night about her relationship that’s falling apart right now. There have been lies, infidelity and more hurt than any heart should ever bear.
But even as the relationship is unravelling around her, she’s struggling to let it go, wondering, Why can’t I walk away?
She can’t help herself from wishing things could be different…
…that things could magically go back to how they used to be before all the hurt…
…that he could be the loving, committed, and ...continue reading...
Hi Sharon,
Wow. You could’ve written that about my life. After 27 years of marriage I did take the scary leap and filed for divorce. I am leaving a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage with a Cerebral Narcissist. Young moms who are divorcing will ask me why I stayed so long. The abuse was very insidious and covert. And when I stopped “complying and supplying” him, he became someone I no longer recognized. Evil. Pure evil. Like your client, I had an affair. Something I would judge others harshly for in the past. I never in my wildest dreams would’ve thought I would be that person. And I must tell you, it was the worst and best thing I ever did. This affair opened my eyes to what was really happening in my marriage. I needed to feel validated and desired. For the most part my marriage was sexless. And I believed i thought I was undeserving and disgusting to him. That’s what he wanted me to believe. But you are right. The affair was a soul sucker. It went against everything I held dear. My values were broken. And the red flags of him using me for sex were clear. But I chose to dismiss them. He was married too, but wanted a side piece. Me. I tried justifying it all I could. I even told my husband about the affair. BIG MISTAKE. You don’t tell a Narcississt you cheated on him. He is determined to destroy my name and me, but I am not willing to give him anymore than he has taken from me!