“The results you achieve will be in direct proportion to the effort you apply.” Denis Waitley
Anne reached out to me and said, “I’ve tried everything. I meditate, I journal, I’ve read dozens of self-help books, I read relationship blog posts and online articles every single day, and nothing is working. Nothing is making me feel less sad and nothing seems to improve my relationship with my husband. Is this marriage just doomed? Should I give up?”
We understand why people stay stuck in struggling relationships when they don’t seek help and think that maybe over time, things will magically get better.
But why would someone who is clearly seeking guidance and genuinely seeking answers isn’t feeling any relief? Why would she feel like nothing is working?
I actually hear this scenario quite often and the best way I can make sense of it for you is to use an example that has nothing to do with struggling relationships:
I can read a book about weight loss and at the end of that book, I know some things I didn’t know before I started that book. But I haven’t lost 15 pounds yet…because I haven’t applied any of the principles to my life yet.
One thing I have learned from doing this work, however, is that you can know something intellectually…
You can read about it in a book or hear about it from a friend and think it makes a lot of sense…
But until you actually put the principles into practice in your own life…NOTHING ACTUALLY CHANGES.
The problems continue to worsen…
The relationships continue to deteriorate…
The whispers for more become louder and louder…
Think about it like this:
Just like if you were learning to play the piano, you would need to practice until it becomes effortless, easy, and intuitive. It’s the same thing with learning and actually applying the new relationship tools and techniques I teach to my clients.
At first it will feel difficult and you’ll think, “this is never going to change…it’s never going to get better…”
If you don’t give up and keep practicing the tools, it becomes a little easier.
And over time, if you stay with it, what you’ve actually done is trained yourself to a new way of being, a new way of reacting and relating, and a new way of engaging in your life and in your most important relationships.
Creating Lasting Change
Just because you know something doesn’t mean you’ve incorporated that tool into your life and created lasting change for yourself.
That’s why books are helpful, but not typically enough.
That’s why, it feels good to talk about it with family or friends or a therapist, but you never seem to take action after those conversations.
That’s why women get further, faster when they seek assistance through learning AND applying: