“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” Elizabeth Gilbert
April 19th. Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary had I stayed married. I left eight years ago, but it seems like a lifetime. I remember being tormented by indecision – scared to leave the marriage and scared to stay; scared to hurt my husband, scared to disappoint my family, and scared to make the lifelong decision to suck it up and accept the marriage for what it was and likely all that it would ever be.
That was my thinking at the time.
I’m going to say this as truthfully as I can even if only one person can hear it today:
There is no destiny for my life. Or yours.
There is no pre-determined path that we’re supposed to sniff out, find and follow.
There is no one person out there that we’re meant to find and are destined to be with…
My marriage didn’t last because I left it. I stopped trying. #truth
Maybe I could have tried, met a teacher like myself who could have taught me all that I know now, and he and I could have created something new together; there’s no way to know.
Maybe it would have ended later for some other reason; there’s no way to know that either.
But one thing is for sure, I created that outcome.
And I also created the outcome of the amazing life and connected, soulful marriage I live within today.
I created both.
Nothing is pre-destined for us; we create it.
You can create a marriage that feels good for you.
Or you can make the conscious choice that the relationship is complete and it’s time to go create something new and amazing for yourself.
We have to stop living as though random things are happening around us and that we have no hand in the creation of that experience.
I see ten applications a day because a lot of people are in a lot of pain. Here’s one that touched me (I’ll paraphrase):
My husband and I have struggled for our entire marriage. We’ve both caused each other a great deal of hurt. I am desperate, desperate to figure out a way to get unstuck and out of pain. I don’t want our marriage to end, but I can’t imagine being divorced from my husband who I’ve known for half my life and NOT being in pain at the same time. I live on the verge of tears…
Her belief is that if her marriage ends she’ll forever be in pain. But she’s not seeing that she’s already in pain, remaining in the marriage where they continue to hurt one another. This is what staying stuck in indecision gets you: pain. Sustained pain.
Stay stuck in an unhappy marriage: pain
Leave the marriage: pain
Do the hard work to roll up your sleeves and start creating the experience you want in your marriage. There’s no guarantee it will work. But even if it doesn’t, you can walk away knowing you gave it your very best so there’s nothing to second-guess or regret. If you do that, you will only get one of two outcomes:
Re-vamp your marriage into something that feels good. Result: happiness, peace, contentment
Lovingly release the marriage and go create a beautiful life for yourself. Result: happiness, peace, contentment
It’s your choice because you’re creating it. All of it.