What do you do when you are not attracted to your wife anymore?
I am talking about what happens when the attraction between you fades. People find me in many different stages inside their marriages, and at differing stages of attraction. Some clients find me and they are still attracted to their wife but they might be struggling inside their marriage. Even to the point of considering walking away, but they don’t find their spouse unattractive.
Some find their way to me and they’re not attracted to their wife anymore and they don’t really want to be. Usually, this is because they have some built up resentments. I have a client that shared with me some of the derogatory, insulting names that his wife had called him during arguments for example. He did not want to curl up next to that at night and be close, and neither would I. I wouldn’t find a person who can say such ugly things very attractive, and he no longer did either.
Some people become clients when they are not attracted to their wife anymore but they really want to be. They want to k now if they can change things inside their marriage and they want to know how they can get that attraction back.
In order to really understand how they find themselves in these varying stages of attraction, let’s talk about what attraction is and what where it comes from. Most of us think that attraction is purely physical. Some people are attractive and other people aren’t. Attraction is not an absolute truth, it’s a perspective. We all know someone who we find really attractive but our friend isn’t attracted to them at all right ? That’s why some people like short people with dark hair and other people like tall people with blonde hair. It’s just a preference. So attraction is not purely physical.
Sometimes we’re attracted when someone is deserving. It is as though attractiveness is based upon the thought of “when you’re doing the things that make me feel the way I want to feel, you become more attractive to me”.
Then there’s this idea that attractiveness, and being attracted to your partner is like magic. It’s a magic dust that gets sprinkled on you or it doesn’t. Some couples get sprinkled and other couples do not. Now we know that is just not true. Chemistry has a little bit of magic to it but attraction is not really that magical.
There is something there to all of this these. There is something to the physicality, there’s something to “when you make me feel the way I want to feel, I become more attracted to you, and there is something to chemistry and that magical feeling. There is also a way to work on reigniting the attraction.
So how do you reignite the attraction that you have with your partner?
If you fall into the group of people who is not attracted to their partner, and doesn’t want to be, because you want to be able to hang on to the justification for the resentments, this won’t work for you. It will feel like BS. BUT if you fall into the group of people who are not attracted to their partner but genuinely want to be, then here’s how you can do it.
Most of us focus a lot of our attention on the things that we don’t like about our partners. The things that drive us crazy about our partners. The human brain likes to focus on a problem and try to solve it, so we think we can focus on it , and then solve it. Except this does not work. We spend a lot of time focused on those things we don’t want or don’t like and then we wonder why that is all we can see. Anytime we spend all of our mental energy and focus on things that we don’t like, we continue to see what we don’t like and miss the good.
I want you to consider the opposite of that process. I want you to take your focus away from the things that might drive you crazy about your partner and I want you to focus on the things you like about them instead. Look for the things that you really love ,respect, admire, and appreciate about your partner. I want you to focus on the things that you do like. The things that work really well. The things that flow easily between the two of you. I want you to do this because whatever you focus on is going to expand. Whatever you place your highest energy on is going to get bigger in your experience.
So, just as an experiment, I want you to try doing this for a few minutes, twice a day, for two weeks and see if that doesn’t bring back some of that attraction, some of that appreciation, some of that loving feeling for you. Focus on the things that you really appreciate about your partner – it might just make all the difference.