“For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.”- Unknown
Forgiveness. Forgiveness can be a tricky topic, and one that many people do not truly understand. There is usually confusion about what forgiveness really is and what it means. That being said, it can really give you much needed relief from the struggles you are facing in your relationships and create space for the relationship to change and grow.
Does that mean that all you need is forgiveness and your problems are over? No. Does it mean that if you forgive that your relationship will transform and be okay? Not necessarily. What it does mean, is relief. Relief for you from the pain and a way to feel better than you do when you refuse to forgive. It creates a place for things to change and give you something different than resentment.
Many people hear the word forgiveness and they think it is weak. They think that if they forgive someone, that they are making whatever happened okay. That they are no longer upset, hurt, or angry, or afraid. They think that if they forgive, then it will just happen again. That they are letting the other person off the hook and that it did not matter.
When our partner has hurt us in some way, it definitely matters. When trust has been broken, it matters. It does not mean that you were not hurt,angry, or afraid.
Forgiveness is for you, not them. It is letting go of resentment from the person who hurt you. Really, it is an act of love that you do for yourself. It is a way to look at what happened in a different light and allow for something else to take place.
Think of forgiveness like a 20 pound weight that you have been carrying around with you wherever you go and then you decide to put that weight down. You put it down for you, not for them.
Now it isn’t that easy, of course, and forgiveness is hard work. Deep work that can be tough. One of the many reasons we avoid it in fact. Another reason we avoid it, is that we think that if we hold onto that weight, that pain or resentment, that the other person will suffer. That we will teach them a lesson because we haven’t forgiven them.
That isn’t how it works, though. When we hold onto that 20 pound weight, WE are the ones who are suffering. We are keeping ourselves locked in that pain and suffering, like a jail. One that we can let ourselves out of anytime, if we choose.
Yes, you can choose to hold onto it if you want, or you can choose to put the weight down and unlock the door for yourself.
Why? Why choose to learn to forgive?
Well, one reason is freedom. It is all about freedom for you. Freedom from anger and pain associated with the hurt you experienced. Freedom from sadness, regret, and the thoughts that keep you stuck in the pain. Freedom from hauling around that 20 pound weight everywhere you go. Freedom to choose another option.
Another reason is that negative energy. Now before you push that aside and say “oh there’s all that woo woo stuff about energy” let me explain. When you keep all that negative energy going in your mind by holding onto the resentment and having that other person suffer, you are putting your focus on that. You are using a lot of your personal energy holding onto that pain, replaying the scenario in your mind, talking to yourself about what happened and how you don’t ever want that to happen again.
When you do this, you will actually attract more of that same experience into your life. Let’s say you have the belief that women are controlling and manipulative. You have lots of “proof” because the last few relationships you have had , the women tried to control everything you did, and when you did not do what they wanted, they tried to manipulate you. Maybe they did this be ignoring you, starting a fight and stonewalling you for a few days, or maybe by withholding affection and sex. You have all this proof because this is what has happened before, more than once.
What kind of woman do you think you will attract when you are constantly thinking about the belief you have that all women are controlling and manipulative? The kind that will manipulate and control you.
My mentor calls this “highest energy wins”. Whatever we give our attention to and create energy around is what we attract into our lives. Meaning that whatever we focus on the most, or give our highest energy to, is what we will get more of in our lives. So if you have the belief that women are controlling and manipulative and you focus your energy on how you don’t want that, you are still focusing your energy on women being controlling and manipulative. If you are still holding onto the resentment and not learning forgiveness, you will be creating more of the same.
You have to forgive and focus on what you DO want and move forward from the hurt of past relationships. It is worth learning to forgive so you can attract something different into your life and not create the same relationship again.
Maybe, now, you are thinking that you can see why it could be helpful to learn forgiveness and see how it could help you in some ways in your relationship. Maybe you are beginning to think that forgiveness could help you move forward but you are wondering HOW. How am I supposed to be able to do this?
There are many tools to help you do the work of forgiveness. So, if you want to learn more about forgiveness and how it can help you; how it can help create change in your life and your relationships, I invite you to schedule a complimentary Exploratory Session with me below. Let’s see if there is a fit for us to work together and begin your journey to forgiveness and feeling better.