Carrying The Baggage

Most of us have heard the statistics on divorce. Now if you are one of the people who hasn’t heard, I am going to share them with you.

In this country. 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. But what is even more interesting is that 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

Not very promising, but also not very surprising either. Relationships are definitely one of the most difficult things we do. Especially when we are not well equipped to navigate them, and have little to no training.

Here is why these numbers are not completely unexpected:

First, when a marriage ends, we tend to think the problem was our spouse. So after we are no longer in a relationship with this person, we think our problem is solved.

Now your wife may have been to blame in some areas, and there could be chance that she did cause a number of the problems. I don’t know, but when we think this way, we miss the opportunity to really take a look and see what our own role was in the downfall of the marriage.

It takes two.

If you miss the opportunity to go back and look at your role in creating your experience in the relationship and you do not heal those wounds, then you will be carrying the baggage with you into the next relationship, and the next, and the next.

Second, you go into that next relationship and you expect that your future partner will be different, make things better, and the heal the wounds from the past relationship that you really did not want to look at for yourself.

Maybe you want your partner to respect you and appreciate you, but you never expressed your needs and wants to them. You did not know how to do that or learn how to do that. When this happens, they are set up fail at least 50% of the time. They have to guess, and are likely to get it wrong.

If your wife cheated on you, you  may not be so trusting so easily this time. Going into the next relationship you may hold it back.

It could be that you think your partner was just controlling, and manipulative. But she did not just end up that way overnight. You didn’t suddenly wake up to someone completely different one day. So, what did you overlook? What did you allow that maybe you wish you wouldn’t have?

If you can’t see it, if you aren’t willing to look at it, you can’t heal it. So  you are just going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You are going to carry the baggage with you going forward. Looking at these things can help you make a different choice.

I hear things like “I’m just not lucky in love” or “how come other people find someone new and they’re respected, and appreciated and happy, but I can’t” or I “guess I just can’t choose a good partner”, or “I just can’t get it right”.

This isn’t true.

What has really happened is that you have been carrying the baggage from past relationships with you into the future ones. Carrying that with you is not easy, and it sets you up to repeat the same patterns over and over. There is nothing more important than learning how to do it differently so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment again and again.

So if you do not want to be part of that statistic, of up to 74% of marriages ending, I invite you to schedule a complimentary exploratory session with me. Let’s find out what you may have overlooked and see how you can heal and do things differently. Stop carrying the baggage.