Can you change your marriage? A lot of people think that it cannot happen. They feel like they have tried for years and years and it has not helped. They feel like they have read books, tried workshops, gone to couples counseling, and that there are no other options.
Let me share a story with you. My client “Mike” had come to me a few months ago and this was pretty much the way he was feeling. He told me about all of the ups and downs in his marriage, how his wife was not really doing anything anymore. She was disconnected, distracted, on her cell phone all the time. Kind of zoned out. She was not involved with him any longer but what felt was even worse, she had no real interest in the kids and the household. Their sex life was practically non-existent, and he felt like he was doing it all.
He demanded that she change. He told her she had to get help and go to therapy. He told her he needed her to help him and not just sit around every night while he kept it all together. He told her he needed her to be in the marriage because he could not do it all himself. He could not provide for the family, manage the household, keep the kids on track, make all the decisions, and fill in all the gaps she was leaving.
He really felt hopeless. He felt like there was no way things could get better.
Now that was months ago and it had been going on for a long time. But today, Mike and his wife are more connected than they have ever been. You might be wondering how that is even possible. Let me tell you.
Mike realized that he had been expecting his wife to change and that while he thought he was explaining to her the reasons why it was so important, he was actually pointing the finger at her. Blaming her. Treating her like she was doing something wrong, and chastising her like a child.
When we do this, there is really nowhere to go. There is no place for the other person to step up and into the role we are hoping they will play. How can you change your marriage when there is no place for this to happen?
Once you can see it, you can change it.
Mike decided to really show up for the marriage. He did things differently. He was willing to learn a new way and to look at his role in creating his experience. He was willing to stop blaming his wife for everything and making it all her fault. When he changed these things, the marriage started to change.
If you want to find out if your relationship can change and it you are ready to see your role in your experience, I invite you schedule a complimentary Exploratory session with me. Let’s see if we are a fit to work together and start looking at how you can show up differently.