The Loveless Marriage

If You Keep Doing the Same Thing, You Should Expect the Same Result.

The Loveless Marriage

The Loveless Marriage

“There is one thing worse than an absolutely loveless marriage: a marriage in which there is love but on one side only.” Oscar Wilde

 

Loveless Marriage.

Seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?

I can tell you from firsthand coaching experience, if you feel this describes your life or situation, you’re in good company. It’s what you’re willing to do about it that will set you apart.

Theresa has been married for 30 years. She married when she was young and seemingly invincible, thinking she knew what her life was supposed to look like. Her dream included being married to a good man, having a nice home, and most importantly, raising beautiful children who would grow into being amazing adults.

Focusing on raising her beautiful boys brought her joy… it also kept her distracted from what had been happening in her marriage for many years.

During that time, Theresa’s marriage had withered. They didn’t communicate well and they rarely connected. On their good days, they were decent co-parents and on their bad days, they were more like intolerable roommates. While he worked hard at his job and provided for the family, she felt like she was all alone doing everything else for their family and the boys.

Theresa could ignore her loveless marriage while the boys were young. She could numb and distract herself years ago. She could quietly hold out hope that eventually things would magically get better.

Distractions have a shelf life. After her boys went off to live their own lives, all the heartache and loneliness that Theresa’s been able to avoid for so many years became present – front and center – in her daily life.

She wasn’t sure she still loved her husband, and she certainly didn’t feel love from him.

The emptiness in her loveless marriage became inescapable and unavoidable. She could no longer run from it. It was right in her face. She felt stuck, hopeless and afraid. The only answer she did have: staying in this loveless marriage for another 30 years simply wasn’t an option – not for One. More. Day.

She knew that after feeling stuck for so long, she couldn’t pull herself out of this darkness on her own. To get her answer for her life, for her heart, and for her family, she reached to me for help and committed to the loving process of finding herself and her happiness again.

Theresa and I have only been working together for a short time, but already she doesn’t feel as anxious anymore. She’s starting to be able to rest in not knowing the answer quickly, and accept that taking the steps to unravel the tangled feelings and wounds of her marriage is the only way to find her happy again. She’s beginning to feel more confident that no matter what the outcome, she will be okay. She’s even starting to like the idea of creating a life for herself and who she is now. And she’s softening, she’s dropping the resentments she’s carried for years and starting to see and accept her husband for who he is, rather than who she needed him to be for so long. The love in the loveless marriage may be there; or it may not. But she’s taking the necessary steps to figure that out.

Working together and opening herself to be guided through a soulful journey with me, Theresa will have her answers for her life. She will know how to navigate the uncharted waters of what will come next for her. Her life will look and feel different at the end of our work together, because she will be different. And whether she stays and re-connects with her husband or lovingly releases the marriage, my role as her coach is to guide her back home to her heart.

If you’re on the fence about whether now is the time to get your answers and aren’t yet ready to explore working together, check out my extensive library of #1 international best-selling books – all available on Amazon.

Posted in: Seeking Clarity in My Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go? | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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  1. This story is my life exactly. My husband is a truck driver and we’ve been married 24 years and have 3 sons; 2 in college and 1 in middle school.

    I felt as Theresa did, until one day after a heated argument when our youngest was small; I told my husband I was unhappy because I allowed him to treat me the way he did.

    Mind you being on the road all week when he came home, I was ready to have fun and do adult things and he was always too tired. But when he wanted to do something, it was #1 priority. It got to the point where I was done waiting around for him and began either doing things where I cud take the boys with or leaving them with him. This of course became a problem. He complained about me no longer being nurturing and caring, I didn’t call or text him enuf. I was no longer running to the door excited to see him in his eyes. He has been battling depression since the death of him mom 2 weeks before our wedding, then his dad and only sister passed a few years later. Because of his depression he became unhealthy and morbidly obese which put a big strain on our sex life. He just recently started going through grief counselling. Now all along I had suggested he was depressed and he looked at it as a personal attack and looked at it as I was saying things to hurt him. In fact he tended to look at many things that way. I realize he was in denial but to have someone you love not take the time to understand and listen to your feelings was very heartbreaking for me. I was stuck my self esteem was low and I began realizing how negative and toxic his mindset was. I realized I had lost sight of who I was. So I began working outside the home, doing things that I was interested in. This didn’t go over well either.

    Now he tells me he is unhappy, he wants his old wife back, I didn’t ask him if I could change, the list goes on and on.

    Intimately we no longer connect well. Even though he became twice my size he would expect me to dress sexy for him and initiate sex, and I was so turned off at the fact that he wasn’t trying to look sexy or attractive for me. He didn’t even notice that during missionary, I was unable to breath under him and this was/is the only position he wants to do because either he can’t get comfortable in any other one or it takes me too long, in his opinion; to get comfortable when I am on top and he loses interest. One time I really couldn’t breathe and when he got up I began gasping for air, which I would usually hide; but I really couldn’t that time. But instead of showing concern for me; he got mad at me.

    There are more issues that haven’t been resolved, because he refuses to hear/understand my feelings; and views me trying to talk about them as me bringing up something bad he did for the purpose of hurting him. He says that my need to be understood will be the end of our marriage.

    I know I am by no means a perfect wife, and I’m sure he has stories of where I have hurt him, been mean, etc. I just don’t know how to let go of so many years of pain, disrespect, resentment and unresolved issues.

    I just resonated so much with the Theresa story that it felt really good to know I wasn’t alone.

    Thank you for listening.

    by Denise on July 22nd, 2017 at 4:00 pm
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