People with Avoidant attachment styles: “…you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with someone else – the emotional equivalent of finding a home – is a condition that you find difficult to maintain.” Attached, Amit Levine MD and Rachel S.F. Heller MA
What is an Avoidant, you ask?
Well, we all have different attachment styles. We are either Anxious, Secure or Avoidant. And while no one style is better or worse than the other, the Avoidant attachment style presents some challenges that make it incredibly difficult to sustain a healthy relationship. So it’s worth looking further into that style (in case it’s you or your partner).
Of course, at first glance, everyone thinks they’re the Secure attachment style and that their partner is either the Anxious or Avoidant attachment style (those are the only three options).
But that’s far too easy…
But that’s never the whole story. It really is worth determining who you are and who your partner is – without judgement or predisposition. (You can do that here.)
If one of you in the relationship is Avoidant (which is where I’m going to focus this blog post), that could shed a light on why none of your relationships ever felt “right.”
If you’re Avoidant then nothing will ever feel quite “right” as long because you’re holding unrealistic views of what a relationship should be, holding onto the idea of the “the one” (likely a former lover), and never resolving disagreements.
As I read these traits, I found some of them in myself (mostly from ten years ago in my first marriage, but still…):
Maybe that sounds familiar – but more like your partner than you, then here’s what you need to consider to determine if your partner is Avoidant:
I have had the unique position of being in all three of these places, based upon who I was in relationship with:
The best book I’ve ever found that discusses attachment styles is Attached by Amir Levine, MD and Rachel S.F. Heller, MA – so if this speaks to you, I encourage you to look into it.
I can help you navigate these attachment styles to determine if your marriage can work together or not. Let’s see if there’s a fit for you and I to work together.