I Love Him, but I’m Not in Love with Him

If You Keep Doing the Same Thing, You Should Expect the Same Result.

I Love Him, but I’m Not in Love with Him

I Love Him, but I’m Not in Love with Him

“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.” George R. R. Martin

 

Rachel has love for her husband, but she’s no longer in love with him.

Rachel and her husband have been married for ten years and their relationship feels more like distant roommates than connected lovers who deeply care for one another. She shares with me that he’s a great guy, but that he is emotionally unavailable.

They’ve tried counseling. He refused to go back after the counselor pointed out that he is emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive.

They tried date nights. It felt like work.

She’s gone to a woman’s group and although it makes her feel better, that aspirin only lasts until she pulls up into the driveway.

They haven’t had sex in 4 years.

And my heart broke when Rachel told me, “He likes to have me here – not to share our lives but to fill the empty space. I deserve to be more than just dark matter taking up space in the emptiness of someone else’s life.”

Almost every day I speak to women who are married to what everyone else would consider to be a great guy. And they struggle with the gap – that sacred space – between having love for this great guy and being in love with him.

They’re not connected.

They don’t feel seen…..or heard, desired……or desirable.

They feel like they’re taking up space in someone else’ life, while their lives are passing before them….empty, lonely, and numb.

I love him, but I’m not in love with him.

This is when affairs can develop.

This is when depression can set-in.

This is when we fall asleep each night feeling like we’re simply going through the motions, existing on sleeping pills and too much wine.

That gap that exists between having love for someone and being in love with them is enormous.

Sometimes a bridge can be built when you’ve got two people working on each side to eventually meet in the middle.

But sometimes that gap is too wide to cross, too wide to find our way back to the great guy that we thought we would spend our lives with.

Those 10 words are significant in a relationship.

I love him, but I’m not in love with him.

It’s a turning point.

It’s time to pay attention to what has happened and do something about it.

It’s time to get clarity on whether or not this can be saved.

Or whether the bridge has become too far to cross.

So what does pay attention mean?

It means if we want different results, we will have to do the something different in our marriages.

It means if we want change in our marriages, it will require us to change first.

It means knowing how we want to feel in our most intimate relationships and then cultivating that in our own lives, as opposed to waiting for our husbands to make us feel that way.

Ready to solve this once and for all?

Ready to know whether this marriage can feel good again?

Ready to leave behind the regrets, judgements, guilt and fears?

 

i love you but not in love

Posted in: Fixing the Disconnect in My Marriage | Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
11 Comments | View All
  1. I am struggling with this same issue. Please help. I am in therapy and things just aren’t easy. Our daughter leaves for college in one month and I am going to be so lonely.

    by Sonjia on July 20th, 2016 at 8:48 pm
  2. Sonjia – I know this isn’t easy. Working through our problems, learning new ways of being in relationship with one another, forgiving ourselves and our spouses and attempting to re-connect to create a different kind of relationship together is NOT easy….you’re right. But staying in a loveless marriage is not easy. Crying yourself to sleep at night is not easy. Feeling like this is all there is, but secretly wanting to feel so much more is not easy. I’m glad you’re going to therapy……you’re doing something and I applaud that. Sometimes therapy can move a little more slowly than you would like and if that becomes the case for you, please keep me in mind. Be well. Sending love and light. Sharon Pope

    by Sharon Pope on July 3rd, 2017 at 4:37 pm
  3. I have been feeling those exact words towards my husband for a while now. We have been together for 20yrs and married for 16yrs. We have 4 children and we both are 40yrs old. He does not know I have such feelings towards him. I pray about it constantly.

    by Jennifer on August 24th, 2016 at 4:26 pm
  4. Jennifer – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with this really important issue in your marriage. Watch this teaching call I gave and pay attention to the part about taking steps 10 ft at a time. It is only through action that you’ll be able to gain some clarity. Just waiting (and praying TO God, as opposed to listening for His whispers) will only keep you stuck until the pain becomes unbearable (when those whispers turn into bricks upside our heads….I speak from personal experience on that one). Here’s the link to the teaching call / webinar: https://fccdl.in/urLDbXEeh

    by Sharon Pope on August 25th, 2016 at 2:36 pm
  5. Jennifer – You have to open up the lines of communication with your husband and tell him how you feel before it becomes too late. If you keep doing the same thing, reacting in the same way, not saying what needs to be said, nothing will change. It’s actually been my experience that it will actually get worse over time…If you want a guide for this journey…I’m here. http://www.sharonpopetruth.com/truth-clarity-session

    by Sharon Pope on July 3rd, 2017 at 4:34 pm
  6. This is me and I cannot put into words the relief I feel knowing I am not alone. I seriously thought I was going crazy.

    by Robbyn on October 6th, 2016 at 8:09 am
  7. I’m so sorry Robbyn. I think it helps to know that you’re not alone and that you’re not crazy…(if you had any idea the thousands of women that have reached out to me…..), but here’s the truth: Most of those thousands of women won’t solve the problem. They won’t attempt to make a sincere effort to fix what’s not working in the marriage and re-connect and they won’t leave either…they will remain stuck, unhappy and lonely for a very long time because they’re paralyzed, not knowing how to stay and not knowing how to go either. I don’t want that for you: http://www.sharonpopetruth.com/truth-clarity-session

    by Sharon Pope on July 3rd, 2017 at 4:30 pm
  8. This put into words exactly what I have attempted to express to my husband. I, like Robbyn, find relief in knowing that I am not the only one out there married to a great guy that I’m not in love with anymore.

    by Jackie on June 14th, 2017 at 5:15 pm
  9. I’m so sorry Jackie. I think it helps to know that you’re not alone and that you’re not crazy…(if you had any idea the thousands of women that have reached out to me…..), but here’s the truth: Most of those thousands of women won’t solve the problem. They won’t attempt to make a sincere effort to fix what’s not working in the marriage and re-connect and they won’t leave either…they will remain stuck, unhappy and lonely for a very long time because they’re paralyzed, not knowing how to stay and not knowing how to go either. I don’t want that for you: http://www.sharonpopetruth.com/truth-clarity-session

    by Sharon Pope on July 3rd, 2017 at 4:29 pm
  10. This is me and my husband. I cannot put into words the pain I received when my husband told me he was not in love with me. He loves me just not in love. We have been married for 30 years and still live together. We do have sex once a week and sleep in separate rooms. He tells me we have no one else so we need to stay together. What are your thoughts.

    by Sandra on June 15th, 2017 at 6:01 pm
  11. I could not disagree more. I think you both deserve to be truly happy and IN LOVE. So, either do the work to see if it is possible to re-connect or lovingly release each other so you can live in love every day. Love is all we’re here for….
    If you want help to see if you can re-connect, sign-up for a complimentary Truth & Clarity session with a member of my team to see if there’s a fit for us to work together. This is what I do……Here’s the link: http://www.sharonpopetruth.com/truth-clarity-session

    by Sharon Pope on July 3rd, 2017 at 4:24 pm
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