“Not responding is a response.” Jonathan Carroll
I was on a call yesterday with a lovely woman who shared with me the frustrations she’s feeling in her marriage:
He doesn’t get it.
I should only have to ask once.
I shouldn’t have to yell to get him to do what I need him to do.
If he would just do as I asked, we could avoid the arguments.
He needs to understand.
She wants more closeness and more intimacy in her marriage, but anyone can see from her feelings expressed here that she’s not exactly creating a fertile environment from which closeness and intimacy can grow.
She could see how she doesn’t like who she is in the midst of those conversations, but she was not about to let go of the idea that he should do what she wants him to do. Period.
I get it…..
We all do this in various ways – in virtually all of our relationships…
Those darn people in our lives…..life would just be so much easier if they would just do what we want them to do…
Our spouses…Our children…Our mothers-in-law…Why won’t they just do what we want them to do?
They’re not going to do what you want them to do.
They’re going to do what they want to do.
If I put a pillow over your face, what would you do?
You’d probably fight like hell to get the pillow removed from your face…wouldn’t you?
When we are trying to get someone to do what WE want, we are placing a metaphorical pillow over their face and they’re going to fight like hell to get it off their face so they can breathe. That’s just natural human behavior.
At a minimum, they’re going to drag their feet or ignore your request. But they might become obstinate and do the exact opposite of what you want them to do…..because, well……the pillow.
Which gives you two options:
Continue to cause yourself an enormous amount of suffering attempting to get your partner to do as you want them to do, driving you further and further apart, or
Change your thoughts, emotions and reactions about the issue at hand.
What if I told you….
That you can feel peace in your marriage…
That you can keep the desires and dreams that you have for your marriage…
That you can create fertile ground for closeness and intimacy to occur…
Without your spouse bending to your will.
If you’re ready to learn how to do that for yourself, then let’s hop on a call to see if there’s a fit for us to work together. This could just be the best 45 minutes you’ve invested in yourself in a long, long time.