The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…

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The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…

Posts Categorized 'Seeking Clarity in My Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go?'

The Difference between Loving Someone & Using Them…

“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” RD Laing, MD

Yesterday I had a VIP Day with a brave and openhearted woman struggling to understand whether or not she should release her 39-year marriage and to make peace with her decision.

Having been a therapist, she picked up many of the coaching tools I shared with her and concepts quickly. But she also taught me something yesterday as well: There is an important distinction between loving someone and using someone:

When we use our partners to avoid pain,

...continue reading...
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The Mature Marriage: Five Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” Haruki Murakami

Even though divorce rates for younger couples is on the decline, the rate of divorces in mature marriages is increasing. As a matter of fact, the divorce rate has nearly doubled for couples age 50 and over throughout the past ...continue reading...

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Why I Don’t Give Advice

“I do not like giving advice: it is incurring an unnecessary responsibility.” Benjamin Disraeli

 

People literally reach out to me from all over the world seeking advice on their struggling marriages. They find me through Facebook, Messenger, Twitter, YouTube, my web site, and through email asking if I can tell them what they should do. They’re in so much pain and they don’t feel like they have anywhere to turn to get answers.

Should she stay with their husband and continue to try, even though everything she’s tried already has not worked to create real change?

Should ...continue reading...

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Support Groups Seem Like a Perfectly Logical Idea…

“Never look back unless you’re planning to go that way.” Henry David Thoreau

 

When people are struggling in their marriages, they often feel confused about what to do and scared of making the wrong decision, so understandably they begin seeking answers.

They might be up late at night – sometimes after too many glasses of wine – scrolling through Facebook and Googling things like:

My marriage is in trouble My marriage is over How do I fix my marriage? Will my spouse ever change? Should I stay or should I go?

In all that searching, they don’t have ...continue reading...

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Begging for Affection

“The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them that we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do.” Nan Fairbrother

 

“I can sit next to him, but I cannot lean on him or put my head on his shoulder. I can hold his hand, but he will drop within about five minutes. We haven’t had sex for a year and he hasn’t kissed me in months. Every time I try to initiate some physical closeness, he has a reason why now is not ...continue reading...

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I Don’t Miss Him Because…

“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt…” Sherrilyn Kenyon

 

“I don’t miss him because he never really shared that much of himself with me.”

With only a few words, my client expressed so much.

She has been separated from her husband for more than a year and still struggling with whether or not to leave the marriage for good or somehow re-engage with ...continue reading...

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When We Betray Ourselves

“Discomfort is a wise teacher.” Carolyn Myss

 

My client, who I’ll refer to here as Stella, had been married for 18 years when she found out that her husband had been involved in an online emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend for at least three years.

Sounds like a betrayal, right?

Yes, it was. But he wasn’t the only one doing some betraying…

Stella couldn’t remember the last time she felt good about her marriage.

They argued a lot and nothing ever seemed to get resolved.

Every time she tried to talk to her husband about the problems in ...continue reading...

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The Power in Making a Decision

“Courage and confidence are what decision making is all about.” Mike Krzyzewski

 

A client, who I’ll call Paula, had gotten stuck.

Six weeks ago, she told her husband that she felt it was time to separate. They had been struggling for years and it was only getting worse.

They were arguing more.

They were sleeping in separate bedrooms.

And Paula was worrying about what they were teaching their daughters about love and marriage.

She felt like their only answer was to separate.

Not surprisingly, that’s not what her husband wanted so they spent the next three hours trying ...continue reading...

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The Four Stages of Marriage

“Our marriages are never static; they are always changing – either growing or withering…” Dave & Claudie Arp   Our marriages and most intimate relationships are incredibly complex and constantly changing; as we evolve and change, so do our closest relationships.   There are certainly times when we’re feeling incredibly connected to our partners, knowing their thoughts, finishing their sentences and even feeling their pain or insecurities. And there are those other times, when we’re wondering who this person is that’s sitting across from us and how we got here. Those are the extremes, but certainly we live a ...continue reading...
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Comfortably Unhappy

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality, nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit.” Christopher McCandless

 

Susan reached out to me and shared with me the details of her struggling marriage. She and her husband of 30 years don’t talk much and when they do, she feels disrespected by him.  She says she’s been going through the motions of her ...continue reading...

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