She was Putting Her Kids in the Middle

If You Keep Doing the Same Thing, You Should Expect the Same Result.

She was Putting Her Kids in the Middle

Posts Categorized 'Fixing the Disconnect in My Marriage'

She was Putting Her Kids in the Middle

“People can’t change the truth, but the truth can change people.” Drake

 

My client, who I’ll refer to as Naomi shared something important with me recently: She said she realized how she was using her children as a means of avoiding closeness with her husband.

When they would all be walking together, the kids were in the middle between them.

When they would hand out together in the kitchen around the island, she noticed how she always seemed to be on the opposite side of the island closest to her children.

Even in bed, the kids often fell ...continue reading...

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The Shame of Staying

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.” Carl Gustav Jung

 

My new client, who I’ll refer to as Paula, recently found out that her husband has been having an affair with another woman for at least ten years. As you can imagine, she’s devastated.

Ten years together isn’t a fling or a simple indiscretion; it’s a relationship.

Paula is wondering why she ignored the signs.

She’s wondering where exactly the marriage broke in order for her 30-year marriage to be vulnerable to an affair.

She’s wondering how she’ll ever be able to trust again.

She vacillates between blaming herself ...continue reading...

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Was Your Marriage Put on a Shelf?

“Rarely does anything get properly cooked on the back burner.” Susan Gale

Back when most of us got married, it felt like some sort of an accomplishment. We checked that box with a buoyant optimism and then quickly got busy with the other important life goals and building a life together. 

We build a home together and buy new furniture.

We get a pet.

We often operate on stress and fumes as we achieve at work, reaching for greater and greater success each in our own way.

At some point, we begin creating a family together and bring new ...continue reading...

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Resentments of an Alpha Female

“Being both soft and strong is an accomplishment that very few have mastered.” Yasmin Mogahed

 

In my first marriage, I was a woman who was strong and capable and driven. I was a marketing executive climbing the corporate ladder who led large teams of people and prided herself on being the one who could GSD (aka: Get Shit Done).

As you can imagine, there is no “off” switch that helped me to soften on my way home to my husband after work each night, so I unconsciously brought that same controlling energy and GSD approach into my marriage. ...continue reading...

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Loving Unconditionally is the Hardest Work We’ll Ever Do

“The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional.” Stephen Kendrick

 

Loving unconditionally is easy to say, living it is so much more difficult.

When my husband is telling me how beautiful I am and doing the things that make me happy, I am loving toward him and think loving thoughts about him. When he does something that makes me feel hurt or tells how frustrated he is with me, I shut down or punch back and become hurtful in return.

That’s loving conditionally.

When we feel heard and understood, that feels like standing in ...continue reading...

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The Kiss of Death for Your Marriage: The Need to be Right

Occasionally a marriage will end as a result of one single incident, such as infidelity. But more often than not, it’s the day-to-day hurtful words and actions between a couple that dissolve a marriage slowly over time. And almost nothing can chip away at a marriage more directly than one or both partners’ need to be right when there’s a disagreement.

The desire to be right is something that was taught to us at a very young age. When we get the answers right in school, we get better grades. We went out into competitive working environments and those ...continue reading...

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Why People in Healthcare Struggle in Their Marriages

“Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible.” Mao Zedong

 

If you were to look at the national averages for divorce rates in the US for people in the healthcare profession, it would show them beating the national averages (Physicians and Surgeons divorcing at a rate of 21.8% and Healthcare professionals 31.6% according to quartz.com*). However, that hasn’t been my experience.

I have doctors and surgeons, wives of doctors and surgeons, nurses and therapists as clients. I also have teachers, administrators, corporate execs and other professions, but people in the healthcare field certainly make up more than ...continue reading...

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Your Relationship Prep for the New Year

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you’re not going to stay where you are.” Unknown

 

I’ve not always been the biggest fan of New Year’s (until I decided to get married on NYE, that is…). But one thing it’s good for is taking stock of where you are in your relationship and becoming intentional about where you want to go in your relationship or marriage.

Maybe things haven’t been going that well…

Maybe you’ve been arguing more and the resentments have been mounting…

Maybe you’ve just begun to co-exist as parents, losing who you ...continue reading...

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Someone Has to Take the Lead

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it only requires one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” Byron Katie

When a relationship is struggling, it’s easy to sit back and wait for the other person to make the necessary changes to make it better. But it’s not an effective strategy because it very rarely happens that one partner takes the lead, so the problems continue to worsen, the resentments mount and the disconnection between the two people widens.

It takes only one person to make a difference. I know we’ve been told that we both have ...continue reading...

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What Will Happen If I Let It Go?

“Things are as they are, we suffer because we imagined different.” Anonymous

 

Our expectations of other people and our attachments to how we think the circumstances of our lives should be get us in an awful lot of trouble.

We expect that our husbands will notice when we’re overwhelmed and that he’ll step in and do something about it so that we feel some relief…

We expect that our spouses will be appreciative for all of our hard work…

We expect that the people around us will be happy and positive and grateful.

And we attach to those ...continue reading...

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