If I Lean Back, Will He Lean In?

I believe that we all are enough.

If I Lean Back, Will He Lean In?

If I Lean Back, Will He Lean In?

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Khalil Gibran

 

My clients, Jenna and Steve, have been together for 12 years, a second marriage for them both. She’s very clear that she wants more connection, more intimacy and even more fun in their relationship. She wants to feel like a priority, she wants more communication and she wants more time together. And she’s told him again and again in a variety of ways what she wants.

So why hasn’t he done it?

It’s not like it’s difficult.

It’s not like she hasn’t been clear.

He should want that too, ...continue reading...

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Maybe Communication Isn’t the Only Answer to Creating Intimacy

“Intimacy transcends the physical. It is a feeling of closeness that isn’t about proximity, but of belonging.” Steve Maraboli

 

Men and women clearly have different strengths.

Women are naturally better at communicating than men. There have been a wide number of studies showing that women possess a larger vocabulary, process information and speak more quickly, literally using more words every day than men do.

And likewise, there are a number of things that men are naturally better at than women, such as problem solving, being direct and to-the-point, and even excelling at some mental tasks.

Science has told ...continue reading...

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What if I Don’t Want to Save My Marriage?

“A major life decision is never a choice but rather a realization that the decision has already been made.” Doug Cooper

 

My husband and I were newly separated. I had moved into a furnished apartment about 20 minutes away and he was in living in our home wondering what the hell had just happened.

He asked me if I would go to marriage counseling with him…

And I knew I should…

That would be the right thing to do, after all…

What kind of person wouldn’t at least try?

But I didn’t want to.

I didn’t really ...continue reading...

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How Important is the Health of Your Marriage?

“The most important thing in life is knowing the most important things in life.” David F. Jakielo

Every day I speak with women and couples that are really struggling in their marriages. They tell me how stuck, lost and alone they feel. They desperately want to make the relationship feel good again, but they have no idea how to do that.

If there’s a fit and I genuinely believe I can help them, I invite them to work with me. And 75% of the time, they say they don’t have the money to invest in themselves and their ...continue reading...

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Would You Stay if Your Husband Cheated? Three Questions to Help You Decide if You Should Stay or Go.

Love doesn’t commit suicide. We have to kill it.” Diane Sollee

In our Western culture, monogamy is so widely assumed that it’s rarely even discussed before marriage. But that broad assumption that neither you nor your spouse will cheat doesn’t take away the risk of it occurring. As a matter of fact, according to The Normal Bar, one of the most extensive studies on romantic relationships ever completed, 14% of women and 26% of men admitted to having an affair.

Some will admit their cheating to their partners and other times, their partners find out on their own. Once ...continue reading...

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Will My Marriage Last?

I was reading one of John Gottman’s books the other night and learned that one of his “go-to strategies” for determining whether or not a couple’s marriage will last depends upon how they recall past memories together. If they recall the past memories with some sweetness and nostalgia, his research has shown that the marriage will likely last. But if they recall those past memories with animosity and pain, his research would show that the marriage likely won’t last.

The interesting thing about this, however, is the brain’s role in how we recall past experiences. The brain will alter ...continue reading...

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I’m Not the Problem

“Worry about yourself!” My new favorite 3-year old.

 

I have tried talking to him, ignored the situation, threatened to leave, but nothing changes. I’ve tried to get him to go to counseling, but he won’t go. I have told him what I need until I am blue in the face, but he won’t do it. Nothing’s ever going to change.

This is paraphrased from one conversation this week, but honestly, I’ve had this same general conversation a handful of times throughout the last two weeks with different women in different parts of the country from all walks of ...continue reading...

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This is What to Do with Drama and Struggle

“It’s not somebody’s fault if their father was an abusive alcoholic, but it’s for damn sure their responsibility to figure out how they’re gonna deal with those traumas and try to make a life out of it.” Will Smith

 

A friend and former mentor of mine said something yesterday that was brilliant. She said:

“You don’t get to decide whether or not the drama shows up.

You get to decide what you do in the midst of that drama.”

It reminded me of the Will Smith video that’s been making the rounds on Facebook ...continue reading...

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There is No Such Thing as Destiny

“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” Elizabeth Gilbert

 

April 19th. Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary had I stayed married. I left eight years ago, but it seems like a lifetime. I remember being tormented by indecision – scared to leave the marriage and scared to stay; scared to hurt my husband, scared to disappoint my family, and scared to make the lifelong decision to suck it up and accept the marriage for what it was and likely all that it would ever be.

That was my thinking at the ...continue reading...

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When We Withhold Love

“If you withhold love as a form of punishment, who is being punished?” Donald L. Hicks

 

Here’s how most relationships work:

When my spouse is doing the things that I want them to do, I show them love. When they’re not doing those things or doing things that I would prefer they NOT do, I withhold love.

My spouse will clearly feel the difference and will adjust their actions and behaviors accordingly so that the love spicket will once again rain upon them.

That’s not love, that’s attachment and manipulation.

 

We are taught this from a very ...continue reading...

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